cosmopsis

my roommate just told me

that if i were a fruit i would be a mixture of a starfruit and a strawberry.

i picture a car speeding through an...

Interview Tips from LeeBentley: 1. Show up 10-15 minutes early without making a grand entrance...

she should paint every day

almost had a wreck

they’re coming to get us

unknown

why

why does the pizza never taste as good as the cardboard smells

what exactly is fiction?

I found something I wrote a while ago about fiction. I actually think it’s a nice little...

i'm full. i'm 26.

i remember one thanksgiving at my grandmother’s house, my cousin had a seizure at the table. ...

the streets are deserted

it’s scary

miscellany

yesterday i saw a man talk to a bicycle for almost thirty minutes. he said “you’ve gotta...

we took students to ellis island last friday. i felt a...

don't you? don't you?

i cannot get “you’re so vain” by carly simon out of my head…but only the...

“I don’t really know how to respond to the incident,...”
— dramatic excerpt from a...

no really, email me

imsoimportant [at] gmail.com tell me all your secrets this is an emergency

it was a good night

i have been jumping on bubble wrap for the last hour the big kind i used my hands and my knees ...

the only reason i didn't jump out the...

me: well, you're offline, but this has officially been our last gmail chat at work. they're blocking it as we speak. this window is still functioning because it has not been closed but once i try to sign back in to gmail from now on, for the rest of my life at work, i will get the following message:
"Your network administrator has blocked Gmail chat."
it's been fun!!
XOXOXOXO
what the fuck............
i fucking hate my life so much.
Beau: oh
my
god
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
me: yeah
still at work
yeah......................
Beau: I was just checking something--at home, waiting on andrew
me: death of the green dot
Beau: this is devastating
me: DEATH OF THE GREEN DOT
IT REALLY IS
BEAU
THIS IS GOING TO SOUND
REALLY PATHETIC BUT
it feels like i am minutes away from my death sentence
like apparently all of this feels like "real experience" enough for me -- BECAUSE THE WORLD IS THAT SAD NOW --
ugh
anyway
Beau: ironically, I left this as a comment on your myspace this afternoon: "me: hey, green dot! GREEN DOT YOU'RE OK Ashley: here i am! green dot means i'm alive me: green dot means there's life out there"
me: HA
PERFECT
OH THE FUCKING IRONY
Beau: that was an actual chat moment
me: SO MANY LEVELS OF FUCKING GREEN DOT IRONY
i am peeing in my pants
Beau: how did this come about?
was there a green dot incident?
rumors of burgeoning green dot insurgency?
me: well
Beau: we should organize a green dot army
and lead a green dot rebellion.
me: my coworker was like "hey is your gmail chat working?" and i said uh, yeah?and
she said "well i just tried to sign in and it gave me this weird message"
so i went over to her computer
saw it
came back but DID NOT CLOSE my current gmail window
which is HERE
STILL OPEN
STILL ALIVE
and
opened a second window
went to gmail
and it's disabled in the other window
so yeah
it's gone
Beau: well, obviously you just have to keep this window open forever
me: that is what everyone has said
Beau: STILL OPEN STILL ALIVE
me: STILL ALIVE
Beau: your work life is going to be so different tomorrow
me: i can't think about it
i might start crying
Beau: this is one of the worst things I've ever heard of ever
EVER
me: yeah
it is
it really really is
i don't think they understand that those green dots are our only source of comfort
Beau: we've been in touch at work via lasers for almost three years now
3 YEARS
me: I know
what do I do?
I don't know what to do
it's like they're cutting off my oxygen
Beau: it'll be like in ET when he gets sick
it'll be so sad
me: i am laughing
I KNOW
BEAU
HOLD MY HAND
I AM SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO DIE
Beau: here, take it--I'm HERE
me: i am seriously
Beau: I"m IN HERE
me: laughing hysterically
Beau: me too
me: it's like i am saying goodbye to all of my friends
FOR REAL
THIS IS
SO BAD
i am laughing so fucking hard
Beau: I think this should be magazine article
me: no it is
i already wrote it in the bathroom
Beau: let's submit it to the new yorker
me: it's already written
trust me
it's written
Beau: GREEN DOT
me: GREEN DOT
DEATH OF THE GREEN DOT
THE ORGASTIC FUTURE
GATSBY BELIEVED
FUCK GATSBY
Beau: green dot is so much more than gmail chat; it's a way of life, a subculture
me: it is
it is a way of life
Beau: it's gotten me through the day so many times
me: I know
Beau: someone lights up and it's like they've magically appeared on my desk
me: I know
Beau: like a hallucination in the desert
me: it really is
Beau: this is too much to process
me: this insular form of communicating is so sad in a way, but it has become so fucking comforting to me
we sit
in isolation
all day
i can't take it
i can't take this
Beau: you have to get out
this is a sign
they're taking away your green dot
what's next?
me: i don't know
this is definitely a sign
look for a new job
channel your chat time into job searching
me: I am
OH I WILL
Beau: when you interview, ask them if they allow gmail chat
if they say no, just get up and walk out
no explanation
me: i'm calling the police
Beau: tell them someone's holding your green dot hostage
me: i am
Beau
I really don't know what to do
it feels like I am going down in a plane crash right now
Beau: I have to go soon but I feel like I can't leave you
you're about to die
me: I know
I have to go soon
Beau: and I CAN'T SAVE YOU
me: I know
I have to get out of here
this hurts too much
Beau: your hanging off a liff
me: AND JUST LET ME SAY
Beau: cliff
me: BY THE WAY
THIS CONVERSATION IS PROOF
THAT ALL OF THIS SHIT
IS DRIVING PEOPLE TO DANGEROUS, DANGEROUS PLACES
Beau: I concur
me: laser communication is going to be the end of everyone
i can't handle it
ok
Beau: I'm going to post this as a bulletin on myspace
me: ha the whole conversation?
Beau: I feel like that needs to happen
as a memorial
yes--I'll change the names to letters
me: ok
Beau: a, b, c, etc.
what should we title it?
"elegy for green dot"?
me: good question
i was just re-skimming it
fuck is that a word?
anyway
i am going home
and i am going to get so fucking drunk
and i am going to nashville on thursday
and when i get back on monday
i don't know what will happen but
oh my god
ok
WOW
WOW
Beau: I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU GREEN DOT
ALWAYS
me: I LOVE YOU TOO
god there are actual tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard at this
beau, we have seriously lost our minds
LOST
OUR
MINDS
Beau: :p
me: :(|)
Beau: maybe there's a way around this
maybe we can dig a laser tunnel
me: i'm hoping
Beau: we'll put our best guys on the case
they'll figure something out
me: there has to be a way
Beau: this is amazing
a sign
such a sign
loss of green dot should not induce panic
me: I know
Beau: its a dead canary in the coal mine of meaninglessness
me: it really is such a fucking sign it's unbelieveable
I know
Beau: alright--I have to go
me: ok
Beau: GOODBYE GREEN DOT
goodbye, my friend
me: bye! oh god.......
bye
FUCK

excerpt from gmail chat on february 5,...

Beau: lets play the alphabet game
real quick
alfalfa
me: ok
brussels
Beau: cocaine
me: depths
Beau: energy
me: foreshadow
Beau: glint
me: helicopter
Beau: ignition
me: jasmine
Beau: klesmer
me: languid
Beau: metastasize
me: novelty
Beau: ovum
me: panorama
Beau: qibble
quibble
me: restart
Beau: shapeshifter
me: tornado
Beau: umbra
me: voluptuous
Beau: wax
me: yesterday
Beau: umm?
me: phone rang
wow
sorry
ok
xerox
Beau: yom kippur
me: zebra acne
Beau: nice
really nice
me: that was so fun
Beau: I want to dance down the halls of my office building
with a watering
can
filled with gasoline
me: was that a john mayer lyric?
Beau: hahahaha
b-side
me: exactly
Beau: I'm going batshit
I like words
and snacks
and movies
and warm weather
and the beach
and sleeping
me: me too
me: I MISS YOU
Beau: I miss you toooooo
it's like we're in the same place
me: we are
in cyber tundra
Beau: but separated by magic
like in the lake house
me: yes
Beau: with keanu reeves
me: the magic mailbox keeps us together
Beau: this is our magic mailbox
of death
me: it is
Beau: sometimes it really feels like we should be able to walk out of the office and meet up at a bar somewhere
because really
what's the damn difference
we should be getting paid to eat peanuts on barstools
at least one day a week
me: I know, right?
Beau: here's a hypoethetical for you
me: ok
bring it
Beau: how many people do you think, across the united states, as a function of their job, are responding to a long, complicated question with a flat, "what's your social?"
right now
at this exact moment
me: huh?
what's your social?
Beau: as in "what's your social security number?"
me: OH
oh wow let me think
i'm depressed
Beau: I'm going to guess 300
since we're firmly within business hours across the country
me: oh no way
it's gotta be more
Beau: what do you think?
how many
me: thousands
definitely thousands
Beau: yeah
maybe
I was thinking 100 per million at any given hour
me: think of all the people on the phone with Dell right now
and Comcast
Beau: right
but they ask for account numbers
me: true
Beau: (which is functionally the exact same experience, I know)
me: yeah
it is
Beau: so yeah, if we're going to include that
thousands
that's such a sad experience
it happens to me all the time
me: I know
it's so sad
Beau: most recently I called a doctor's office
talked for at least a full minute explaining why an appointment had been scheduled for me and needed to be changed
and the woman clearly wasn;t listening to me at all
and when I finished
she just said
"what's your name?"
when I'd opened with, "Hello, my name's BDS...."
me: exactly
Beau: hello, my names breadbox jones
hello, my name's jelly bean jackoff
what are you going to do with the rest of your life?
me: i think i might pee my pants

excerpt from gmail chat on january 16,...

Beau: guess how many bags of different types of dried fruit I have in my desk?
me: 3
Beau: YES!!!
me: apricots?
cranberries?
Beau: no.
yes.
me: hm bananas?
Beau: no.
me: figs? grapes?
Beau: no.
me: as in raisins?
don't know
Beau: we call them raisins
yes
me: blueberries
?
STRAWBERRIES?
Beau: uh-uh
it's a tough one
me: mango
?
Beau: dried tart montmorency cherries
me: I WAS GOING TO SAY CHERRIES
FUCK
FUCK!
Beau: that's my snack at the moment
did you get the email yet?
me: nope
weird
try again
send it again
Beau: ok, did it
me: there must be a delay or something
this is really annoying
Beau: you really need the whole screen to appreciate this
how come only sometimes you can pop out the chat window?
"pop out the chat window"
me: i don't know
i think that's a rhetorical question
i need a nap
Beau: but that's weird right?
me: it is weird
Beau: how it's not always an option?
me: gmail is fucking up
i think we need to call the police

myspace is trashy

i am having trouble deleting it though. there are 783 pages of messages from friends, strangers and...

i've been found out

i think more than one person has actually read this blog. helen IMed me at work and said...

speaking of pregnant ladies… click here for more.

me: there is a praying mantis outside my window the size of god, it's kind of freaking me out
Derek: sounds like a soundgarden video
me: um

resume

oct 1981 - may 2004: born and then went to school for a while may 2004 - jul 2004: working in a...

i like laughing

i came across this girl’s cartoons today. some of my favorites are posted below. you can...

i made my decision

i chose the job at the new school over the one at the publishing company. my job at the publishing...

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i am waiting for a very important phone...

i have to choose between two jobs today. it’s hard because i want both of the them....

i feel so insecure about my blogging...

i love tumblr because it’s pretty and easy to use, but i wish people could leave comments. i...

these are cucumbers i picked from my friend charlie’s...

that palm reader in the west village was...

she said i would have a new job in november. i was offered a job on november 2nd, which is my...

the people i admire the most

some are farmers, some are painters, some are writers some are vegans or vegetarians, some tear meat...

extremely awkward conversation on the...

standing with my friend on a noisy L train. a red-headed girl with big breasts and a facial piercing...

“I have solved all the riddles of the universe, and that is...”
— B.D.S.

daylight savings account

i think the time changes tonight i always forget why i looked up why and it’s depressing time...