December 2009
26 posts
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Derek and I wrote and recorded a Christmas song...
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Seriously, FUCK Frosty the fucking snowman. FUCK...
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Home Depot, Despair
Please wait for a product specialist to respond.
You are now chatting with 'Naomi'
Naomi: Welcome to Home Depot. I am a Major Appliance Product Specialist. How may I assist you today?
Ashley: Hi, my landlord is asking me to pick out a gas stove, so I guess I need help
Naomi: Sure!
Naomi: I'll be happy to help you!
Ashley: I was wondering which you would recommend
Naomi: I will be happy to show you a few of our top selling models, but I am not able to recommend one name brand over another.
Ashley: Ok
Naomi: Would you like to view our models that have the best reviews?
Ashley: Yes
Naomi: Please bear with me while I research this for you.
Ashley: ok thanks
Naomi: Sure!
Naomi: I will send you links of two models to view that are within your price range and have good reviews.
Ashley: great
Naomi: Click here to view gas range 1.
Naomi: Click here to view range 2.
Ashley: I guess I don't really know anything about stoves
Ashley: As long as it works, then I guess I don't really care
Naomi: I understand. Do you have any questions about either models?
Ashley: Do you ever worry that we will have to sit in front of computers for the rest of our lives?
Naomi: Yes, sometimes I do.
Ashley: Me too
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INTERNET PENETRATION: 75%
“Three quarters of Americans (75%) are internet users, over 60 points more than were online in 1995 when only 14% of the country used the internet. The Web remains a place dominated by younger Americans; fully 87% of adults ages 18 to 29 go online and more than half of the adult internet population is between 18 and 44 years old.”
Also notable: “National Satisfaction” is...
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“When I was six I had a chicken that walked backward and was in the Pathé News. I...”
– Flannery O’Connor
readers by author.
designage:
this is some kind of wonderful:
Margaret Atwood Women whose favorite color is hunter green.
William Faulkner People who are good at crosswords.
Cormac McCarthy Men who don’t eat cream cheese.
Mark Twain Liars.
Nicole Krauss Girls who intern at Nylon but end up moving back to the Midwest for their real job.
Anne Rice People who don’t use conditioner in their hair.
*where are...
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DUMBLR
DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR DUMBLR...
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Onion
Daniel: you're an onion, ashley
Me: what's an onion
Daniel: a many-layered vegetable
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Overread in NY: Haiku edition
A woman sitting next to me on the L train wrote a haiku. I saw her counting the syllables with her fingers. She then stared at her haiku for the rest of the train ride. I loved her:
popular again
due to recent tragedy
a classic is back
I’d really like to know what this means.
UPDATE - His interpretation is the best so far: “I mean, is that just a really, really untimely haiku...
WatchMeaghan reminded me that I should keep up my Existential Cab Ride video series. These are actually a lot of fun to make, no matter how boring the conversations are. This particular cab driver was very entertaining, though.
Oh, and just like everyone else, I hate the sound of my own voice, but at this point in my life, I really don’t fucking care.
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“I’ve often thought that had I been compelled to live in the trunk of a...”
– Albert Camus in The Stranger. (I just woke up from a dream about this book)
Human Marries Video Game Character →
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Another dream to flush down the toilet
Well, my dream of being an X-Men character called The Defenestrator who throws people out of windows has been ruined. I was just informed by these cool people that The Defenestrator ALREADY EXISTS.
In the superhero team Section 8:
The Defenestrator: A large, burly man in a denim jacket, black sunglasses, with black hair who obsessively carries around a window through which he forcefully...
X-Men
I just wanted to let everyone know that I am now an X-Men character. My name is The Defenestrator. I make windows appear and throw people out of them. My costume is still in the works.
(Credit goes to Moola for coming up with the name. But I came up with the power, which is the most important part. Well, maybe not.)
“That’s so depressing, Ashley.”
– R. Moola