I was near Union Square running errands yesterday and decided to see what movies were playing. Given that I’ve seen almost every movie out right now, I settled for Atonement because it was the only movie I had not seen that was starting in the next half hour. I remembered the trailer for the movie — the sad music, the intense kissing, the people dramatically running through the trees — and I thought for a brief moment, “Hey, maybe I could get into this shit!” So I buy the ticket and take a seat.
Just as the movie begins, an older man who smells like cheap cologne sits next to me even though there are lots of other available seats. I am annoyed for about three seconds but instantly stop caring. A few minutes later, the man adjusts his body and is now leaning a little too close to me. I’m annoyed for another three seconds, but then my mind starts wandering, and I start thinking about the concept of physical space in New York City, and how people get uncomfortable if someone is standing or sitting too close to them. Then I think about how that might just be a generalization, and then I think, “No, it is not a generalization, it is a fact. When you do not have enough external space, you create it internally, which makes you ‘cold’ or ‘distant’ or ‘detached.’”
I then discover that I haven’t been paying attention to the movie for about five minutes and start watching it again. This is when the man puts his jacket over his lap. I think “Hmm, that’s kind of weird. Wait, no, that’s not weird, he’s probably just cold — I’ve totally done that before. Wait, is that weird?” I’m annoyed and confused because I don’t know if this man is weird or not. I’m annoyed and confused for being annoyed and confused until finally I just tell myself to shut up and start watching the movie again. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I notice something moving. It’s the jacket. But the movement is irregular and infrequent, so I think “Ok, he isn’t actually masturbating, is he? Is he jerking off? Am I mentally ill?” I get disoriented and panicky because I start to wonder if my mind is tricking me. The movement stops and I calm down and watch the movie again.
At this point in the movie, James McAvoy has Keira Knightley pinned against the wall in a library and they are having sex. I’m like “Wow, they are really attractive. Hmm, I wonder how often people have sex in libraries?” The sex scene is over and then the jacket moves again. The movement is faster and more regular this time, and I start to freak out a little. “Is he actually jerking off? Am I alive? Where am I?”
Then he starts breathing heavily. I decide to brave it and just look him in the eye, and he instantly looks away. He had been looking at me.
He is breathing more heavily. Then, his other hand reaches under the jacket with a white napkin in it. This is when I go into full-blown panic mode. I immediately lean down to grab my purse and run out. As I go past him, he makes a really disturbing noise.
Now, this is where you ask, “Did you call the police?!” No. I did not call the police. I started to approach one of the employees who was changing the trash, but I thought, “Wait, what if I am wrong? Am I crazy? No, you are not crazy, tell someone who works there! Now!” But I still decided against telling someone because I imagined the cops coming in there and stopping the movie and the man murdering me later because he was innocent. I was too freaked out to think, honestly.
The funniest part is that the story of Atonement is entirely based on someone falsely/inaccurately reporting a sexual crime.
Oh, and it sucked by the way.
